My Journey...

Hello All and thank you for stopping by.  Today, I have a rather long post to share with you, so grab a cup of coffee and come with me as I take you on a jouney.

As most of you know, I am currently seeking my Bachelor's Degree in Nursing.  I attend an all girls, christian school mainly because of the convenience of the classes.  So after an 8 week break (because I didn't need to take Statistics-I already suffered through that) the next class for me was Contemporary Spirituality.  I must admit, I was curious about this class for many reasons, like, is someone finally going to tell me what the difference between religion and spirituality was?!?!  So the first class was July 26th and from the moment my instructor spoke, I was already loving the class and we had not discussed one thing about Spirituality yet!!  So, as we each introduced ourselves giving her a picture of who we were and our religious background, a calmness came over me reassuring me, that I wasn't the only one who questioned religion.  Whew!  Thank God.  So, as the class came to a close, she politely let us know that she didn't always follow the syllabus and she gave us our first assignment:  Creatively Express Your Life's Journey.  Bong, yong, yong!  What?! Was my first thought.  As I drove home, I pondered over and over in my mind what/how I was going to make this happen. The next day, I was on the phone with 2 of my girlfriends saying, "OMG, I have know clue what to do, I have nothing to talk about, that I WANT to talk about." Saleem said, yes you do!  You can talk about the Navy and all of the traveling you have done.  Ok, yeah, I started thinking to myself, I can talk about that.  I like talking about the Navy anyway!  It was such a positive time in my life (But we will get to that later).  I wanted to be sure I was headed in the right direction, so I call my instructor to ask her if this approach was ok.  While she didn't say no, she told me the idea was to go from birth explaining how I became who I was.  Oh no!   OK, so I get to thinking, "what can I do to express and show me."  I then decide on a tri-fold foam board, with map paper in the background and then I would make a road with hills and valleys and talk about those times in my life.  I went through thousands of pictures trying to find the ones that spoke mostly to me about that time in my life.   This is what I came up with...

The Board...

This is how it looks.  All the way to the left are pictures of me in school (basketball cheerleader, Cotillion, Senior Fashion Show, etc) then it goes to my first wedding picture with my dad and I.  Above it, I used stones to simulate a rocky road and I placed the sign "Under Construction" over the picture. and then I have pictures that show the Navy and then RN school.

Becasue I like to do crafts, I really took this project to heart and wanted it to come to life which is why I choose to make a road  with the yellow lines, and why I added a sky and the car at the beginning.

Now the journey...

Our original instructor had an emergency and couldn't attend class, that sucked, because I was looking forward to seeing her expressions and hearing her laughter and her making me laugh.  Our substitute was nice though.
I was the fourth to go and I was just sitting there when the instructor asked who wanted to go next, then she looked at me and her eyes got big and I said, "me?" and she responded "sure, you don't want to have to bring that board back next week, do you?" I thought to myself, "why yes, I do" because I really wanted my instructor to see it. But, I got up and began to prepare to share.
My first thought was, wow, I have this big overwhelming board.  I felt like my project was over the top and a little over zealous when I saw everyone else's. Some people bought nothing that I could see and some had a few pictures on cardstock that they could hold up.  Not mine, I had to prop mine up on the chalk holder of the black board.  My heart is pounding...
When I began to speak, I could feel the rush of emotion rise up from my stomach.  I started, "this is not an easy thing for me to do.  I do not like talking about the past, because I think it should stay where it is, in the past." Right then, I had to say, "I am not going to cry."  I had to stop myself, because I felt it coming on.  I got goose bumps all over my body, my palms got sweaty and my heart began to race.  The last thing I wanted to do, was to cry in front of all of these people.
Then I began... I was born on December 12th 1970, third of 3 children, blah, blah, blah.  I spoke of my childhood and how I was a Dolphin Cheerleader and that I won Miss Congeniality voted by my teammates.  Then I talked about high school and trying out for the basketball cheering squad that I did not make!  I went on about joining the band and getting my first job at IGA Supermarket up the street from my house.  My junior year, I spoke about making the basketball cheering squad and playing an instrument in the band.  My senior year I talked about the Cotillion and how much of a pain in the a** that was!  Everyone started laughing!

Bumpy Road

To symbolize a rough time in my life, I used rocks clued to the board with Mod Podge (Keish, that was for you!) with a sign above it that read, "under construction."  This is exactly what it felt like at this particular time in my life.
I made the mistake of getting married when I was 23 years old.  I knew I was doing something wrong, because I had "that feeling"  that is what I call it.  That feeling that comes when you know you are getting ready to make a huge mistake.  I felt it in the pit of my stomach.  I knew it was there.  It was on this day, that I came to know that feeling intimately. It was a feeling of doom.  In January of 1995 we (the church I was affiliated with, my ex-husband and I moved to Richmond Virginia.  By September of that same year, we were back in Atlantic City, New Jersey, (I guess God wasn't in Richmond, Virginia). I started a job as a CNA and I met Harry, Candace and Rita.  Harry and Candace were LPN's and they became something like mentors to Rita and I because we wanted to become nurses.
1996 was a year of reflection and thinking.  I was not happy where my life was or was going and I really wanted to try to make it into nursing school.  I tried to get my ex-husband to agree to this, but his thinking and my thinking were totally different when it came to living life.  (You would have thought I would have figured that out BEFORE I got married, right?) In February of 97 he and I separated and I applied to LPN school.  In May of that year I found out I was accepted into nursing school, in Sept. I started school and on November 5th my divorce became final, YES! Got through nursing school and started working as an LPN on the ventilator unit where I worked as a CNA while in school.  I did this for about two months until it got boring and that is when I began to feel like being grown was overrated! Not wanting to fall into the same mundane life of working and coming home doing nothing, never having been anywhere, I walked into the Army Recruiter's Office and told them I wanted to join.  He preceded to tell me that the "easier version" of the ASVAB test was given on Wednesday night. This infuriates me, because there is no easier version!!!  I walked out of that office and walked across the hall into the Navy Recruiter's Office and this is where the journey takes off...

Where I found Me...

I left for the Navy on Sept. 29th 1999.  This is the place where God began the healing process in me.  I can remember while I was in LPN school feeling like I wanted to die, not suicidal, but I was ok, if I laid down and never woke up because I was so upset with that decision I made that took years of my life.
When I began speaking about this time in my life, I almost cried but I stopped myself.  I just couldn't go there-because I don't think I could stop.

This is the place where God began to do surgery in me, he began to break up the foul ground and plant new soil.  This is when I wanted to live again.  This is the place where my soul opened up.  The Navy represented so much to me. It was arduous duty, we cried together, laughed together, I got cussed out, and I cussed others out.
This is the place where I saw God in so many people from so many different walks of life. I met two of the best people in the world who without question accepted me as I was with open arms and befriended me.  Without knowing it, they both took me under their wings and allowed me to heal free of judgment and I appreciate them for that.  To this day, I am still very close to these ladies.  Saleem and I talk all of the time and it is great.  I am actually her son's Godmother.  I feel closer to them more than people whom I have grown up with.  It's the military bond that we formed in the few years that we served together.
Saleem is in the white tank top and Teresa is in the red dress!

Next Stop....RN

OK, let me first start by saying, this is NOT the best picture of me. As a matter of fact, it's a horrible photo of me!  But, I wanted to share it because it shows raw emotion on the day I graduated from Nursing School.  It shows 20 years of trying to get to this place in my life.  It was my feelings of trying to get through College Algebra for the 4th time, but I told myself that failure was not a option.  I did what I had to do to get through it.  I utilized the school's tutor service and I paid for a tutor out of my pocket.  I was at the point in my life where I was determined.  I was going to do this and nothing was going to turn me away from my dream.  So this picture shows everything I had been through, since high school (I graduated in 1989) to get to this dream.

Today, I am a work in progress, striving everyday to be the best Shannon I can be.  Some days are better than others, but I am giving it all that I have.

If you made it all the way here, thank you for taking the time to share my journey through reading.
Whatever your journey, it made you who you are.  It's hard to do, but try to embrace it (I still struggle with this at times).  Whew! Now I can breathe.....